Review and Rant: Dark Knight Ryzes

Warning: This post is spoiler heavy. So if you haven't watched the movie yet, don't read this post if you don't want to. Not that it will really matter much really. The plot was kinda weak and there were only couple twists. Also to read this post, you will need basic understanding of League of Legends. So let's get started shall we?

However, due to budget constraints, Chris Nolan could hire only one Ryze. So the title is misleading.

So in order to enjoy this movie to its full glory, one must first understand the plot of the first and second movie of the Ryze series. Basically, all you need to know is in the first movie, Ryze's parents get buckshoted by a random Graves and Ryze travels around the world being all angsty. During his travels, Ryze meets Liam Neeson, the head of the League of Legends, who trains Ryze in how to be an awesome AP Carry and be an badass. After Ryze becomes a badass, Liam Neeson tells Ryze that Ryze must help Liam destroy the Gotham City in order to cleanse it. Ryze refuses, and beats the crap out of him, and returns to Gotham City so that he can help fix it. Unfortunately, Liam had other plans and teams up with crappier alternative of Fiddlesticks who can only cast fear and can't even crowstorm. However, Ryze just kills them both and the day is saved! Not.

Seriously, NOT EVEN ONE PERFECT STORM.

In the second movie, Ryze must do battle with Shaco.. I mean Joker. While battling joker, some random DA dude called Harvey the Brain Dented gets his girlfriend killed by Joker and also loses half his face. Feeling quite irate, Harvey the Hamster goes on a rampage and kills bunch of corrupt cops. oh yea, he also tries to kill Gary Oldman's son, Gary Youngman. Ryze stops Harvey the Aardvark by pushing him off a building, which apparently kills him. Even in a world where getting stabbed and shot won't kill you, gravity does the F!#% around it seems. And Joker also gets apprehended by the authorities somehow and never comes back in the third movie. There, that's all you need to know about the first two movies, let's get to the main meat now.

Gravity, thou art a harsh mistress. 

Our movie begins by showing the main antagonist, Vayne. He apparently is a very smart guy who is very strong and defeats some CIA mooks and takes a scientist hostage. We then cut back to Ryze. After the end of the second movie, it seems that the police has been doing a pretty good job of arresting the criminals and Ryze no longer needs to be a batman to save the city. However, Anne Hathaway randomly shows off and steals Ryze's bling and fingerprints. Also, it seems that Vayne is hiding in the sewers on Gotham and is planning something big. Then Vayne takes over the RiotStore and makes it so that Ryze is bankrupt. OH NOZE! HE WAS ONLY WORTH 450 IP TO BEGIN WITH! 

He truly Condemns Ryze to take a Tumble down the economic ladder.

After some research, Batman find out that after the death of Liam Neeson, Vayne took over the league of legends in his place and plans to destroy Gotham City because that's what Liam wanted. Quite loyal for a villain. In order to punish Vayne for making him Bankrupt, Ryze convinces Anne Hathaway to take him to Vayne. Anne Hathaway agrees, and then betrays Ryze later. Due to Vayne's betrayal, Ryze is forced to fight Vayne one on one in a deadly cage match. No surprise, Vayne wins, and then proceeds to break Ryze's back and nerfs him. After that, in order to make Batman feel true despair, Vayne drops Ryze down a pit called the ELO Hell so that he may only despair while Gotham city is held hostage by Vayne. Vayne thus so by obtaining a nuclear bomb. How original.

We will hold the Gotham hostage for... ONE MILLION ELO!

While the outside intervention is prevented via nuclear bomb, Vayne frees all the prisoners captured between the 'Dark Knight" and "Dark Knight Ryzes" from the Rune Prison and gives all of them guns so that they might terrorize the civilizans of Gotham City. While Vayne is terrorizing Gotham City, Vayne tortures Ryze by making him watch the said terrorization through a 240 pixel twitch.tv stream. The frustration from watching the low resolution stream gives Ryze back the energy he needs to climb up the ELO ladder and escape ELO hell. After escaping, Ryze returns to Gotham and beats the crap out of everyone by calling upon his desperate power and punching everyone. However, after Ryze defeats Vayne by overloading him with punches, Ryze is suddenly betrayed by A RANDOM INDIAN WOMAN WITH WHOM HE HAD SEX EARLIER ON IN THE MOVIE! EPIC PLOT TWIST! She reveals that she is the daughter of Liam Neeson, backstabs Ryze with a knife, and proclaims she will destroy Gotham City in order to carry out his will. And runs away. Due to the fact that this random indian woman is neither Rikimaru or Shaco, Ryze quickly recovers from the backstab damage and pursues after indian lady, who dies due to her poor asian woman driving skills. So Ryze didn't even really need to chase after her.

Her fate was sealed the moment she grabbed the steering wheel.

However, it seems that the bomb cannot be disarmed! And so our heroes do something... I acutally won't write the very ending of the movie here. I just don't feel like spoiling this one part. Go watch the movie if you want to know about it. Better yet, read the wiki. So anyway, what do I think of the movie? This post doesn't really deliver the message very well, but the story in this movie was fairly weak. There were way to many asspulls, and the villain wasn't very interesting compared to the last movie. It's good, not great. It gets 8 out of 10 in my book. Watch it, it's worth it, but it's no cripple traitor jake sully. There are plenty of explosions and gunfights so that you will never be bored throughout the entire movie. You probably won't even feel that the story was weak until the movie is over. But I may be expecting too much if I want actual plot and character development in a movie about friggin batman. People expect asswhooping and asswhooping is what you will get. GG Chris Nolan.

This guy still makes my blood boil...WAAAAAGH!!

So, it seems that the Batman trilogy is finally over. Apparently, Chris Nolan is doing Superman next. Let's hope they somehow manage to bring back Heath Ledger so he can play a villain again... sniff... Heath, how i miss you so...

I'm GAR for Heath

~Stay frosty

JC